Some people may really hate this country at times….but before you go bashing the war, the president, the taxes you pay….consider this…you get to pee for FREE in this very fine country we live in…and you must never, ever take that for granted friends. Imagine a world where you’ve been out with your buds drinking beer all day…you have a full bladder, need to use the facilities…go off to find a restroom…and blammo! You get hit with a sign that says…TWO BUCKS PLEASE!!! Would that shock you? Piss you off? Do you feel that it’s your inalienable right to pee freely? Was it the intent of our forefathers when they signed the Declaration of Independence to never, EVER charge people money to engage in normal elimination processes? Well…I think so too. But we are unique in that respect…and that’s why… today I am dedicating an entire blog to the art of successful peeing in Europe. This may seem utterly shocking to the sensibilities of some, but to anyone who has traveled the “other” continent…you know exactly what I am talking about. Consider this, yet another public service announcement for my North American homies.

First some “Euro-potty” lingo:

“WC” is the term for bathroom in most foreign countries. You will see a “WC” sign and it indicates “this is the place to do your business”….

“Toilette” French for toilet (do not make the mistake of asking for “Le Salle De Banne” which most French dictionaries list for “the bathroom”..if you ask for that…a French person will direct you to a hotel…they think you want to take a bath or a shower….not take a pee…and you will pee your pants in the process…yes, this happened to me many moons ago…merde!)

“Le Pissoir” French….literally, “the pisser”…yah, go figure…for peeing only…the urinal..for men only unless women want to get really creative.

“Toiletten” …. German (Habenze Toiletten bitte? Do you have a toilet please?). Good one to know...

To pee successfully in Europe you need to have money, as in coinage. Don’t leave home without it. Ever. Small denominations, and lots of it (well depending on your bladder size, the amount of time you intend to spend away during the day and the amount of beer you intend to imbibe of course are all scientific factors that need to be considered when rendering this equation, but guestimate generously). You also need bathroom availability. This depends upon the country you are in. Some countries feel absolutely no need whatsoever to put WC’s in reasonable places for public use. England and France are decent about it. Switzerland is so good, they even have them strewn about the local neighborhoods (no wonder they have the highest tax bracket in the free world…its paying for all of those public potties!)…Italy is OK and Prague…well, all I can say is…you better have a strong bladder, they are few and far between.

Metro and Tram stations are always good places to find WCs but you will always pay. Plan on paying anywhere between 50 cents and two dollars US. Yes, you read that right. There is a franchise I saw in both Switzerland and Paris called “McClean” (clearly targeted at Americans….loved the “Mc” reference) and it was a rather high-tech potty operation complete with a two+ buck entrance fee (the one in Paris was 2 euros..ouch!). It had a red light green/ light contraption outside of each potty stall to let you know about vacancy situations (I think this was more of a gimmick to make you feel like you were getting your money’s worth personally)…fancy island wash basins…but pretty much…it was just a place to pee. Oh, and you could take a shower….for TEN euros ($12 bucks) if you were so inclined. I think I should have gone into the personal elimination/hygiene business in Europe. Woulda made a killing. Let’s see..how many people pee an hour at Paris’ Gare du Nord train station? Thousands a day I bet…that’s a lot a euros! All for a little tee pee and some floor sweeping by minimum wage workers….hmmm. Well, anyway….I checked into one of these McClean’s in Zurich before catching the overnight train to Prague. I say, “checked in” because hey, if I was going to give them two swiss francs..(that’s about a buck seventy five US)....well, I was damn well gonna get my money’s worth. So after I peed....I just sat my butt down at the cosmetic counter (yes, they have two vanities so the ladies can freshen their makeup). And I sat down, having two hours until my train left, and I DID MY NAILS. Yes, I clipped them, then filed them…and then, combed my hair…then applied my makeup....EVER SO SLOWLY. And of course....the staff was really looking at me by then. Anyway, I was soooooo going to get my buck seventy five worth of “MC-VALUE”….so I stayed at my little vanity in this fancy little potty haven for 45 minutes or so....feeling evah so refreshed! And I feel as though I got my buck seventy five’s worth! I think in fact they LOST money on me! Did I mention that I charged up my laptop with their power outlet while I was there? Yah, I definitely used a buck seventy five worth of electricity! That musta really pissed the McWorkers off! Ha! Well…I always say, get your money’s worth whenever you can. Not many potties where you can do that, so I was making up for lost time. I had a nice rest. Away from the rif raff of the train station. With good lighting in a very clean place. Did my nails, hair and makeup, charged the old laptop for the train ride….. So ladies? I recommend the McCleans if you run into one. But you need to stay awhile to get your money’s worth. Don’t run in and run out. Hang out…stay awhile…

OK….here are some other idiosyncrasies to note…..

It took me forever to figure this out. Maybe it’s a guy thing…because my guy friends got this right away. I swear, I think it’s because men are far more obsessed with their bodily elimination habits than women are (I have always had a secret theory about this)…but anyway, it took me weeks and an actual label on a toilet before I “got a clue.” On a majority of toilets in Europe…you will see two flushers that can be pressed…both are flat against the toilet…one is “big” and one is “small” and they sit side by side….they are kind of in a curvy design and as far as I am concerned…it is just not an intuitive kind of thing (OK, as I said….maybe if you are a GUY). Anyway, the idea is…if you press the larger button, more water is expelled during the flushing cycle and if you push the smaller one, less water is expelled. One is for…and I will quote the sign that enlightened me “big business” and the other, “small business.” Enough said. But don’t be surprised to see a lot of “small business” left unflushed….a lot of Europeans simply don’t bother to flush if they pee..water is precious and they figure…just leave it until there’s more to go down….so be prepared.

Also, in Prague…as for public toilets. You will “prepay” in most places. After you pay the woman at her little stand in the bathroom....you will be allowed to pull your toilet paper from the roll….yes, you will be pulling the amount you need from the roll in front of your fellow comrades……outside of your stall. It is just one giant roll….in the middle of the room….so you need to anticipate….how much you think you will need….ahead of time. No going back….so guestimate carefully. Yikes. You never thought it was going to get this complicated (or have the size of your business so public) did you?

Hand dryers. This is one of the most tricky things going on in Europe. Like a complex shell game from what I can tell. Electricity is very precious. Hideously expensive. So I think the deal is, they want you to THINK they are providing you with warm hand dryers to dry off your hands after you wash them, but in all actuality….they’re not. You always, ALWAYS come out of the bathroom with wet hands…having to wipe them on your pants. ALWAYS. Plan on it. The dryers are FAKE. Here’s how it goes. You place your hands under the dryer. It goes on for like….THREE seconds. Then it goes off. OFF. Never to go back on again. Ever. No matter what you do…it won’t go back on. That’s what I found in Switzerland and Italy. In France….the dryers would go back on…sometimes. But only if you were able to keep your hands completely STILL. If you moved your hands at all…one millionth of an inch…the sensor would switch off. They are counting on you just giving up and walking out at that point or getting toilet paper and having it disintegrate on your hands in little soggy shards….But the BEST by far was Prague (PRAHA)…I literally laughed out loud today at their dryers. They are the BEST! They have a sense of humor! First of all….they are very, very strong. If you can get under their direct force, they will take the skin off your hands! So here’s what happens. You put your hands under the dryer. GREAT drying power for the first three seconds. Then it goes off. Then you move your hands away to try to engage the sensor and as soon as you move them away it goes on…as soon as you move them back under the dryer…it goes OFF…move them away…goes ON…move them back…goes OFF. Hahahah…OK. It wants to dry….but only if your hands are not present. So long story short? Appreciate those paper towels and great dryers that work most of the time in America……

Here’s another alternative….you can always go into a restaurant and use their facilities (now mind you, the restaurant facilities can be “iffy” quality-wise…there is no guarantee they will be clean or up to reasonable quality standards)….if you BUY something. So that means planning your snacks, meals and drinks around your bladder. And that can get expensive too! Plan on spending at lest two to three bucks minimum to pee that way…but at least you will get something in your belly, in addition to the opportunity to relieve yourself.

Oh and one last mention…National monuments? They usually charge as well. And the lines…ohhhh the lines! You’d better seriously pre-plan your peeing on these occasions. Do NOT wait until you really have to go or you will be sorely in trouble. There can be fifty people ahead of you and that can spell bad news. And you don’t want to get arrested for whipping it out behind a tree at a national monument by the French police (and yes, they will take you away for that)…so think ahead. The minute you have the slightest urge to go….start planning your potty strategy…..find the WC and get in line.

You never ever thought you’d have to put so much thought or money into peeing did you? Well, in fact, it’s a GREAT country we live in now aint it? Honestly? I will never ever take peeing for FREE for granted again. I can’t wait to hit US soil again just to walk into any old bathroom I want and pee away.

It’s always the small things we take for granted the most…you know, I was thinking…..I’ll bet when people come to our country…they are just blown away at how clean (for the most part) our bathrooms are…how they are FREE…how most restaurants and facilities and monuments will let you use them (regardless of whether or not you have purchased something)….our dryers work…and yes, you have your choice of paper towels or dryers…whatever your pleasure….and it’s all on the house. Courtesy of the citizens of the good old USA. They can say whatever they want about us….but we have pretty damn nice potties here….and I can’t believe that doesn’t go unnoticed by the bazillions of tourists who come to our country each year….and yes, it does make a huge difference when you’re not fishing money out of your damn pocket every hour or so or worrying about where the next WC is…or should you really drink that beer, lest you get caught without a facility and no place to pee. The most fundamental of bodily functions….are not being penalized here in the USA….not being charged for, nor taxed nor held at a major inconvenience. We let people enjoy their vacations….so they can snap their photos…enjoy our beautiful country…drink our great wine and beer and sodas….have a ball…and pee for FREE till their hearts are content. Say what you want…but there’s no place else I’d live. Sometimes you have to go away…to appreciate what you have right at home….So here’s to peeing for FREE ☺